After I had Aubrey, I was on an adrenaline high. I had some GREAT hormones raging through my body, and I would tell Justin that I wish I could bottle them up and take them on a daily basis. I was indescribably happy. I had this amazing squishy baby that was all mine and I spent all day gazing at her, rocking her and breathing in all that new baby smell. It was also my first year going from working full time to working part time. It was like a vacation from reality...pure bliss. Add that to the fact that I'm not the most comfortable pregnant person, and I was sure that the postpartum period was the BEST part of having a baby.
Fast forward 3 years to now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still in pure bliss-- babywise. I gaze at sweet Juliet and she's like a breath of Heaven. My heart is so full of love for her, that it's hard to remember what it felt like before her. But the hormones are different this time. Definitely not the kind I want to bottle up and take on a daily basis. They aren't terrible either...I'm thankful that I don't have the intense depression that some women get. Instead it's like I've had a constant case of anxiety. I've been stuck in this twilight zone of worry and stress. Maybe it was trying to figure out how to balance being a parent of two, or wondering if I would survive after Justin went back to work, or just a state of sleep deprivation, but by evening time during the first week or more, I was a ball of uncontrollable emotions. Most days I couldn't even pinpoint what was wrong. I just knew that it had to be the crazy hormones.
Thankfully, I think my hormones are regulating and I'm coming out of "the zone". I've conquered the laundry pile and Juliet has been a great sleeper the last few nights. Justin has been an AMAZING support, and I'm so thankful for the blessing of such a loving husband. The gray, gloomy days finally gave way to some glorious sunshine that I desperately needed. I've survived almost a full week with Justin being at work and we're getting back into a normal routine. I'm still struggling with mommy guilt at times, but I'm realizing that both girls are going to have to learn patience because there is only one mommy. So there you have it. Soon the haze will clear, and I'll be back, hopefully with some more pictures (I'm slacking on taking them). Until then, I'll keep reminding myself that God is refining me to be a better person, a better mom. And, of course, I'll spend my time soaking up this glorious new little life that I've been blessed with.
6 comments:
I'm thinking I'll probably be feeling the same way soon. Glad to hear your hormones are balancing out though.
The hormone thing is so hard...sometimes you KNOW you're not feeling rational and yet you just can't help it. I'm glad it's leveling out for you. Mine hasn't hit yet...I'm waiting though and expect things will be harder next week when J goes back to work.
I swear most postpartum issues are a mix of hormones and sleep deprivation. Im glad you feel like you are getting through it all though. You are absolutely right about both kids learning patience, its so true and you never need to feel guilt because I know you are a great mom. Take naps whenever you can and cuddle both girls, and maybe even Justin.
I have to be honest reading this gave me anxiety and made me teary eyed when I think back to the rough time I had after Ty was born, on the otherhand its a good reminder that it does go away.
I'm definitely thinking of you during this time. I had help for a long time after my 2nd was born but I was still so anxious when I was on my own. Not getting enough sleep just makes everything hard! Looking back I wish I would have asked for more help instead of feeling like I needed to handle it alone. I'm sure your many wonderful friends would love to help out if you need it, in any way you need!
Gosh, you have been on my mind, A LOT. Even when you're not feeling at your tip-top best, you are always so honest and self-aware, seeing things realistically, just like now (sorry about the run-on). It's one of my favorite qualities about you Barbie- the real you always shines through and for that reason you are safe and adored by so many. I was reminded just how REAL hormones are this month as I had a sort of hell pms week the week before. = )
I understand =) TOTALLY understand =) And there is just something about having a baby in gloomy weather. I am bringing you dinner tomorrow can't wait to see you!
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