Look Mom!

A BIG bug!
Ewww.......

Poppy caught it, Aubrey got it, mommy threw it away.

A lot to process

We have a healthy heartbeat! Praise God! Our little baby is measuring at about 7wks 2days which puts the due date at Jan. 2, 2010. To be honest with you, I think this was the first time I've actually teared up at an early ultrasound. With Aubrey and Baby Bee, I just took it all for granted. I assumed that I would have a healthy pregnancy and nothing would go wrong. Obviously, this year has been a year of learning, and I now realize that the tiny little beating heart of our itty bitty baby is nothing short of a miracle.

As if I haven't had enough to process already, I was surprised when the doctor told me that along with our healthy little baby was also a blighted ovum, an empty sac. At some point during the last 7 weeks, I had TWO fertilized eggs, two growing babies in my body. The second baby has since stopped growing and now only a small, empty gestational sac lingers as evidence of its existence. It's just a lot to process. A wee bit sad that there is yet another baby that I won't meet, but mostly just happy that there is a healthy one that will hopefully fill my heart with overwhelming love when it arrives in *December* or January (wishful thinking). Then there is the anxiousness that comes with knowing that I may pass the blighted ovum. This would be accompanied with bleeding and cramping. I'm pretty much freaking out about how I will deal with that if/when the time comes. I know it will be nerve wrecking. Hopefully, I'll be one of the lucky ones and my body will just absorb it.

So, like the title says, a lot to process. And a process I'm sure it will be. Thankfully, my doctor is going to be seeing me every 2 weeks to keep a close eye on things. I'll hopefully be seeing my sweet baby again on June 1st.

The Reality

2 weeks ago I took a pregnancy test on a whim. Really, the way my cycles had been going, I was wasn't expecting a period for another week or so, but I had a few dollar store tests, so I took one. There was the FAINTEST line imaginable. I couldn't decide if it was actually a line, but I didn't want to waste my good test so early. Finally, I decided to call the Dr. and request some blood work. I went in afterschool, but wouldn't know the results until Monday. I took my good digital test on Sunday and got a positive "pregnant" result. I was a ball of emotions. I didn't know whether to be nervous, excited or a mixture of everything. I was nervously optimistic until I got a call from the Dr. on Monday. I was pregnant, but my hormone levels (HCG) were very low, this meant one of two things: I was barely pregnant or I was going to have another chemical pregnancy. Now I was just plain nervous. The Dr. liked my progesterone levels, so I think he was optimistic. I went in for the blood work as planned, but had a lower backache so I didn't know what to think. I wanted to let family know in a special way, but my fears of having to reveal a miscarriage instead of a pregnancy made me panic, so I just called everyone to let them know we needed their prayers because of the blood work. Finally, a call relieved my worries when the blood work came back and my HCG was doubling like expected.

I was pregnant! Praise GOD, He knows the desires of our heart! I'm still not sure of an acutal due date, but when I use online calculators with an average of my last 3 cycles, our baby should be due right around New Year's Day. Justin's hoping for New Year's Eve because he likes the idea of a year long tax deduction. We'll both take whatever we get.

Up until last Friday, I was feeling great and had no real symptoms. Although, this was at times unnerving, it was also nice. Last Friday though, my little baby (in reality my hormones) started sending me a nice reminder that my body is, infact, growing a whole new person. The nausea has been continuous since then and the exhaustion a bit consuming. A GOOD THING, I keep reminding myself! I'm trying to take it day by day and be thankful for this wonderful reminder that a baby is growing in me. I'm also trying to keep my eating under control because last summer I gained 10lbs with Baby Bee that I never lost. I try to cope with the nausea by munching all...day...long. This does help a bit, but probably not as much as it will hurt in the long run. And since my Dr. wants his patients to be on the famous diet that Emily wrote about, I'm sure it won't be pretty at my appt. next week when he weighs me.

In the meantime, please continue to pray that this little one continues to grow and comes out a healthy, happy newborn. And also please pray for the 3 weeks I have left of watching all three kiddos and working. I know I'll have to take it day by day.

I've already called in the troops and CC knows we plan on spending plenty of time at his house. He's even cooking us his famous breakfast tomorrow morning. YUM! I'm sure that'll help with the weigh-in.

Roller Coaster

When we went to Disneyland in February, Aubrey's favorite ride was the roller coaster in Toon Town. She would get giddy with excitement as we waited in line. She loved to put her hands up as we made the first big climb. She thought she was brave... This is where her expression would drastically change. She would cling on for dear life as we went down the first big hill, and her face was full of fear as we whipped around each and every turn. The first time we rode, I was sure she would want nothing to do with that roller coaster ever again. WRONG! I think the fear, made the ride even sweeter for her. "AGAIN, AGAIN," she would shout. Each trip was the same routine. Excitement turning into fear that led to more excitement. It was the anticipation, the wild ride, the unknown that she enjoyed so much.

I guess that's the beauty of life. You never know what God had in store for you around the next turn. I feel like the last year, for me, has been a roller coaster ride. Only, when I got in line for this roller coaster, I had no clue that it was drastically different than any I had been on before. This was a ride I hadn't anticipated. Yes, it started out with initial nervousness and excitement. Then there was fear. And times when the ride took me down a journey that I never wanted or expected to be on. I'm sure my face, like Aubrey's, was full of fear and intensity. I tried to stay focused on how it would be at the end of the ride...the excitement of it all. It seemed that just as I would get a small rush of adrenaline, the fear would consume me. Many times, I've felt like this was it...the big turn where the real fun would begin, but alas I have had to wait. Here I am, over a year into the ride, and I'm still not sure where it will take me. I'm thankful that I have an almighty God who is in control of it. I know that no hill, no turn, nothing is too big or scary for Him to navigate. The problem isn't Him, it's me. My own fear and anxiety. My desire to control the ride I'm on.

I know that our God is good and that this wild ride will eventually end. I'm sure I'll look back on every twist and turn and realize that the ride wouldn't have been nearly as awe inducing without them. At the end, I look forward to eagerly saying, "again, again" because it is the fear, the adrenaline, knowing you survived it, that makes every roller coaster worth it. I know it will be worth it.

Here's to this being the FINAL hill on this roller coaster ride!



**If you are from my work and you're reading this, keep it on the down low please. :) (Kathy, I think you're the only one)

Aubrey the Artist

We all love Aubrey's new hobby.
She's occupied for hours and her masterpieces are stunning.

Click on the image to enlarge.

(or maybe not, if Blogger doesn't cooperate)