A lesson that God has tried to teach me many times over this year. And yet, I still want control. I still plan out my life and how it's going to go.
Today is Baby Bee's due date. In my plan, I would either be holding a precious new born baby or I'd be eagerly anticipating the arrival of one. Since July, I've come to accept and appreciate that God's plan for Baby Bee was different. God wasn't ready for me to have another baby, and as each day passes, I realize that I don't think I would have been ready to have one right now either. I know that sweet Baby Bee is resting peacefully with God. I really feel that God used that miscarriage to give me a sensitivity to other women who suffer the loss of a baby; to teach me how precious and fragile each little life is.
And then there was the November miscarriage -- a chemical pregnancy -- like that's suppossed to make it easier. In my plan, this baby would have worked out perfectly with my life (I realize this sounds very selfish, but it's true). My job share partner was pregnant too (still is) and we could have one long term sub and everything would work out as we planned when we both started trying to get pregnant. About four days after taking that positive pregnancy test, I was again reminded not my will, but his. Although difficult to accept, I hadn't grown quite as attached to the idea of being pregnant and having this sweet baby. I had really praying about being content with God's plan, I felt that I was.
As today approached, I once again had another plan. I knew that today was about 34 days after my last period and by today I would know if I was pregnant. I had planned out the post in my head...I would call it Full Circle- it was Baby Bee's due date and I would be pregnant with another baby. After two negative pregnancy tests and still no period, I'm once again reminded that God has a plan for my life, different from my own plan. I know this plan is a perfect one and I can rest in knowing that, but my flesh won't let me. I'm frustrated with my body and the lack of understanding that I have of it. I'm frustrated that MY will is different than God's perfect will.
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.
They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
In those days when you pray, I will listen.
If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
Jeremiah 29:11-13
And I hope that God's perfect plan has another one of these precious little ones in it.
But until then, I'll spend some more time thanking him for the beauitful little girl I already have ,and I'll try to squeeze all of that precious baby out of her before she's so big she doesn't let me squeeze her anymore ;)
11 comments:
thanks for sharing your heart. i admire you so much as you go through this trial. i will continue to pray for your peace of heart and for the desires of your heart to be fulfilled! i love you Barbie!
I have so been there! Such a tough road when you want something so bad and experiencing a taste of it only to have it taken away is so hard! I remember the day I should have had my baby too, so hard! God does have a perfect plan for your family though, and how much sweeter it is when it is revealed to us in his timing.
Wow nice to make me cry on a day I feel a bit stable, which is a rarity. This lesson is a hard one for me to, that the last few years Ive come to understand a bit better. Sometimes things dont seem fair or make sense but then when things happen how they do, I understand it more.
I so want you to have another one soon. You guys are such great parents. The last 2 yrs Ive gone from a mother of 1 for 5 yrs to a mother of 3. I never wouldve imagined (and boys at that)! God had a plan for me and I love how things have worked out now. I know the same thing will happen for you. Seriously easy for me to say now but I know its true. We love you guys!
I know how much you have struggled with this and I am so in awe that you are so willing to open up and share your heart with others. You are such an inspiration because no matter how hard it was, you still had an amazing faith in God and His plan. I know it is hard sometimes to fully rely on Him. We love you and are always here for you.
Aw, thanks for your post Barb. This was a good reminder for me too in my life. A good scripture to remember in times like these.
I've been thinking about you much lately-- I knew your due date must have been getting close. Thank you for writing down your thoughts on this day and sharing them with us. They are beautiful, and so godly in the midst of your sadness. I am so grateful to hear how at peace you are with God's will. And yes, I too am praying that God's will holds more little ones for you! :)
You have no idea how much this post has helped me today. I have had a rough couple days..and I needed to be reminded of God's plan.
Your vulnerability and willingness to share are gifts to those of us who are blessed to know you. I have no doubt that God is working His good in your life.
You are such an amazing woman Barbie, and as hard as this road has been, I am constantly amazed at how strong you are to keep going, but how humble you are at the same time to admit when times are tough. God has an amazing plan for you... as Justin's wife... as Aubrey's mom... and hopefully someday as another little one's mama as well. You inspire me to reply on God in EVERYTHING I do... even when my heart of hearts desires something so different than what it seems he has planned for me.
I love you and am so thankful for the beautiful person that you are.
I want to preface this as I don't normally leave comments on anyone's blogs as I don't have one myself. I am friends with a blogger, Amy Ostrosvski,(as I know her) and found your page. I recognized your husband from high school. I think we were in band together. I don't know if he'll remember me but my maiden name is Prater. Anyways I felt that God wanted me to let you know that I am going through a similar situation with trying to get pregnant. I too have a 2 year old little girl and am wanting another. It took my husband and I 1 1/2 years to conceive her. When we started trying for the second one I immediately got pregnant...but I lost it. I believe it was a chemical pregnancy also since I only knew for one week. That was 7 months ago and I'm still not pregnant yet. I told you all of this not to say that I understand your situation exactly but I know the pain of having something and losing it. I know how bad it hurts to want something so badly that God doesn't have for me yet. I treasure my little girl every minute more than ever, but it still hurts. I also know what it feels like to watch everyone around me get pregnant while it passes me by. I act happy for them (because I am) but I hurt, because why not me. I know that God has a perfect timing and I waiting for him will bring blessings. Well, I just wanted you to know that I somewhat understand your journey. Maybe not fully but a little.
On another note, I am also a teacher with a jobshare...although my partner is leaving to have a baby. I will be full time next week.
Thank you ladies for all of your support. I really feel like having your support has helped ease the pain of the rough road.
Elizabeth, thank you for sharing. So often I read blogs that I want to comment on, but don't. I don't know Amy, but many of my friends do, so I'm glad you found me. Thank you for sharing your heart and story. I pray that the Lord will bless you with a baby soon. I also pray that you'll survive full time, I know the transition will probably be difficult. START A BLOG and join our little community. ;)
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