Despite the cool, crisp fall morning and my vision of an enjoyable time spent with friends while our kids played by the fountain, this morning was awful. It started out nice, but that quickly faded as I could tell my 3 year old was in a mood. Most days I can appreciate her quirkiness and strong-willed personality, but yesterday was a doozy and well, so far, today has been one too. She tested the limits a few times this morning before all heck broke loose, but nothing she did compared to her meltdown of epic proportions. Seriously, EPIC proportions! She screamed. She flailed. She threw herself on the ground. All because she wanted to pick more leaves off the bushes. But it wasn't about the leaves, it was about control. It was a battle for control. One that didn't stop until I strapped her flailing body into her car seat and left. And proceeded to cry. Not sure why I felt like crying. Blame it on the pregnancy hormones, the fact that we're both tired because she woke up at 4:45am yesterday, or just my sheer disappointment in how she acted. Mostly though, I was crying because of the lack of control I had in the situation. I wasn't able to prevent the meltdown, I wasn't able to stop the meltdown, and I wasn't able to enjoy the perfect morning that I had longed for. I didn't have control of the situation and I was frustrated, sad, disappointed and hurt. On the way home she was sweet and remorseful. She really is oh so tired. She said she was sorry and snuggled with me as she ate a steamy bowl of mac-n-cheese for lunch. And I couldn't help but reflect on a conversation that my sister and I had a few weeks ago. A conversation about my own personal battle for control.
Control is something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. Growing up, as most families do, there was some dysfunction in my life. Both of my parents have always loved me dearly and I've never questioned that, but there were moments where my situation seemed out of control. Moments where divorce, battles over money, new marriages, new families seemed to take priority over my own comfort and happiness. I compensated by taking control of the aspects of my life that I could control. I worked hard to get good grades. I chose good friends. I didn't party or drink. I didn't even go away to college. I did all of this because I was trying to create the most stable life I knew how to create. I didn't make the mistakes my sister made. And I took pride in all of the this because I had done it, I had control. What I didn't realize was that the whole time I had control, God felt disappointed, sad, hurt and frustrated because I wasn't letting Him have control over my life. Sure I was doing everything "right". I was the good girl, but that wasn't His desire, He wanted me to be doing it all for the right reasons, for Him. After all, Aubrey wasn't doing anything bad when she was picking the leaves from the bush. She was just playing. The real issue was her disobedience. Her unwillingness to listen to me, her mother, the one who has her best interest in mind.
I'm sure that God often feels the way I felt this morning. He has my best interest in mind. He wants me to enjoy the morning, but my unwillingness to relinquish control ends up with me in a complete meltdown. Obviously, my meltdowns manifest themselves differently than Aubrey's do. Usually, it's me feeling lonely or overwhelmed. Feeling like I can't live up to all the expectations that I have for myself. And eventually, I'm remorseful and sweet. God helps me to realize what my own disobedience has done, and God wraps His loving arms around me and reminds me that despite all my quirks and my strong-will, He loves me unconditionally. He has my best interest in mind. I may not be able to live up to my own expectations, but it's not about me and my expectations. It's about God and allowing Him to control my destiny, to guide me in His own loving way.
Lord, please help Aubrey and I to both be obedient. Help us to let go of the control that we so want to have and to trust in Your Almighty will for our lives.
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. Psalm 37:5
10 comments:
I'm sorry it was such a rough morning friend! I wish there was something I could have done to help. I had a great time talking to you for the little while you were there. The "control thing" is hard for everyone...in one way or another we all try to "control" our lives. It just looks different for everyone. I'll be praying for you today!
Wow, that was definitely something I could relate too and something that I did not even realize was a problem til I just read it! Thanks for helping me open up my eyes a bit over here. I guess I was a bit blind. Thanks for sharing!
Oh Barbie I am so sorry. I think we all wish we could prevent the public meltdowns =) Hang in there you are an AMAZING mother! I knew it must have been bad with your hasty exit =) I am sorry I did not get there sooner to visit! We can relax WITHOUT our trying children Monday night, that will be a treat!
We all really do have control issues. I really needed this post today.
Now...youve seen some of my wonderful daughter's fits. The one thing Ive learned is have a plan for when it happens, stick to it and do not show her that she has got to you or has controlled you in any way. They really need the consistency, these smart strong willed children. Now at age 7 the mouthiness is what I have to back up and try the above with.
YOu are a good mom with a good daughter.
Those battles for control are so difficult, both when they're with our children and when it's only between us and the Lord. What a beautiful thing that God used this time with Aubrey to remind you of his deep, abiding love for His precious daughter(s)!
I can so relate. Thank you for sharing in such an introspective and heartfelt way. I'm so glad God's mercies are new every morning because I sure need it!
Great post. Love you, Barbie.
What a great reminder! Thanks for sharing. Sorry you had a rough morning, but glad that Aubrey recovered so that you could have a nice lunch together!
Oh Barbie, I value you as a friend so much. You are so pliable before the Lord and are an example to all of us Moms in that. Aubrey is so, so blessed to have a Mommy in tune with His heartbeat.
SUCH a good post, Barbie-- I think we all struggle with this issue to a certain extent and in different ways. I love your perspective on it and how you were able to use your rough time with Aubrey to remind yourself (and all of us) of God's care and love for us. I find that the lessons that can be learned from having my own children as it pertains to being a child of God myself (and vice versa) are always so poignant and powerful.
thanks for sharing, sweet friend! I hope your week with Aubrey is going MUCH better!
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